- My INSIDE KANNYWOOD (In Leadership Weekend)
Kannywood Mourns Ahmed S. Nuhu
SUNSET AT NOON
By Al-Amin Ciroma - Sallah and 1st January are happy days in which people celebrate Ed el-Kabir and New Year when joy and happiness is shared among friends and relatives.1st January 2007, brought darkness to people of Kannywood as a result of the sudden death of one of the most successful and shining super-star hausa movie actor, Ahmed S. Nuhu, who died in a ghastly car accident. It was reported that the accident was as a result of the burst of the car’s tyre. He was in on their way to Maiduguri from Azare to stage a gala for Sallah . The gala was organized by movies producer Dan’azumi Baba Chediyar ‘Yan Gurasa. Ahmed was with his three close friends, Hamza and Baba, who also died instantly with him, ‘Singer Boy’, who was also with him is presently receiving medical treatment in a hospital.
The death of Ahmed was announced by his mentor, Ali Nuhu, who confirmed to our Sub-Editor, Nasir gwangwazo, in a phone call that “Ahmed has died in a car accident. We are on our way to Azare to receive the corpse,” Ali said in a weak voice.
As the media houses broke the news in Kano, many people gathered at Ali Nuhu’s house for confirmation. However, in a very short time, phones of the stakeholders of the Industry became so busy as fans started calling to confirm the incident.
In the evening, hundreds of people surrounded Ali Nuhu’s house for Ahmed’s funeral. No doubt, the death of Ahmed hit hearts of people just as the death of Late Balarabe Muhammad did. In fact, he died the same way he did in a car accident.
Before the arrival of his corpse, people in the house were weeping and crying, especially female actresses such as Fati Fagge, Binta Ishaq and Zainab Umar, who fainted.
After a long wait, the corpse arrived. People rushed to the body and prayed for him.
Producer Adamu Sani Yunusa, who was among those who brought the corpse from Azare told our reporter, Maje El-Hajeej, that, “We were on our way to Katsina, I received a phone call from Baballe Hayatu, informing me about the incident and he asked me to bring the official car of the Guild of Film Actors. We went there (Azare) and collected the corpse from police after clearance. Ali Kwara assisted us with a car to carry the body.”
About the issue of the corpse of the other victims, he said, “We discussed with their parents, and they asked us to leave the bodies there for burial. The dead body of Ahmed arrived Kano around 9 pm. That is why it was decided to postpone the funeral till dawn.”
When Adamu Sani was asked about the actual cause of the accident in a radio interview with Hausa service of VOA, which monitored the incident in Abuja on Tuesday, he said, “We were informed by the police officer in-charge that it was seemingly a tyre burst.”
After the corpse was prepared in the night, his mother stood before the body in tears praying for the deceased and said, “God witnessed that you never offended me during your life time… I forgive you, Ahmed..!”
Before Ahmed died, he had no fear for death order than to die and leave his mother behind as he told Leadership Hausa in October 2007, “I have only one fear on the day of my death, that is my mother! I imagine the situation she might find herself in because she loves me so much!”
Ahmed is survived by wife, Hafsat Shehu, who is also a star actress. She is presently pregnant.
The next morning was so cold but that did not stop hundreds of people from coming out to attend the funeral.
Ali Nuhu was sitting on a mat receiving condolence. Adam A. Zango kept himself in an isolated room inside the house, sitting alone with a dark face. Sani Danja, who is the Chairman of Guild of Film Actors, could not make eye contact with people when he arrived in his jeep, he silently sneaked into the house, in the same mood as Shehu Hassan Kano and others. Most of the directors, producers, writers, singers, cameramen and rest of them went to the room where the corpse was kept. Some of them were Aminu Sheriff (Momoh), Hafizu Bello, Baba Karami, Isa Bello Ja, Isa A. Isa, and Rabiu Musa, who came all the way from Wudil town, a distance of many kilo meters from Kano. Some of the fans were opportuned to reach the corpse in the room and prayed for him.
Before the corpse was brought out for official prayer in accordance with Islamic rite, producer Najjashi S. B. Jakara and Baba Karami announced to the public that ‘whoever has any debt with Ahmed should let it be known for settlement before he is buried’.
Later, the corpse was brought out of the house for the formal prayer. All eyes were shedding tears! Most of the female actresses such as Farida Jalal, who were standing upstairs watching the scene started shouting and crying, “May the soul of Ahmed rest in perfect peace! May your good character follow you to heaven!”
After the Chief Imam led the formal prayer, people escorted the corpse en masse in different types of vehicles to the graveyard of Tarauni in Tarauni Local Government area in Kano metropolis, where late director Tijjani Ibrahim was buried some years ago.
S. Nuhu’s elder brother, Abdurrahman, described Ahmed as ‘a man of the people’. He said, “Ahmed is a person of good character. May his soul rest in peace.”
Most of Ahmed’s colleagues continuously recalled their last moments with him.
Rufa’i Nasidi, a Producer and Chairman of Al-Naseed Universal Concept, said, “My film, Musharaka, which was written by Nasir S. Gwangwazo, was the last film Ahmed did in this world. Immediately after shooting the film, he travelled to Sokoto and later turned back to Azare and Maiduguri, where he died along the way. I discussed with him about the shooting of Kambun So 2, and we arranged to go to the forest of Falgore to shoot the songs of the film. Unfortunately, I went to check out the trailer of Musharaka and the person I went to meet received a phone call with S. Nuhu’s line number but with an unknown voice, asking whether he knows the person who has the number. He answered ‘yes, it’s Ahmed’s’ and the person said I’m a police officer. I called because you are the last person Ahmed called on his phone’s call register. He answered yes, I had a phone conversation with him less than thirty minutes ago. Then the police officer said, ‘Ahmed is dead’.
“We did not believe the news at that moment because we were shocked, so we rushed to Ali’s house, even though I knew Ali was not in town. He traveled to Niger Republic. It was earlier planned that Ahmed will go with him but he refused to go, due to his appointment with the people of Maiduguri.”
It was reported that Ahmed told Fati Fagge that he would never drive his car again and that he would not drive in the night again because of the rate of armed robbery in the nation. It could be recalled that a few days ago, armed robbers attacked him as reported in this paper.
The death of Ahmed is a big blow to those who he left behind as he will always be remembered for his good habits, excellent manners and good interaction with everybody.
The audience of Hausa movies will always remember one of the most popular films of Ahmed, Sarmadan, which was also written by Nasir S. Gwangwazo, in which Bala Anas Babinlata directed him to enter into a coffin (he dies in the film). In the story of Sarmadan, Ahmed died and later reappeared. But this time, Ahmed will never return to life after his death on 1st January, 2007. Perhaps, ‘Sarmadan’, in Hausa language, means ‘Forever’.
SEVENTH DAY PRAYERS
Ahmed S. Nuhu--Gone too soon
The death of star actress Asma’u Jama’are, who featured as ‘Zainab’ in one of historic and famous films of the Kannywood, entitled Ki yarda da ni, was the first that astonished the industry in 2000. Her beautiful performance in most movies attracted many fans and gave her much publicity. She died after a protracted ilness. Her death was a shock to colleagues and fans of the industry. Asma’u was indeed a love-for-all star in her time.
The second ‘dark-death’ which hit and shocked the industry was that of movie director, Aminu Hassan Yakasai. Most of the stakeholders of the industry described Yakasai as one of the the founders and pioneers of the modern Kannywood. He recruited and pioneered many projects in the industry, he also assisted in establishing most of the biggest and earliest movie projects. His death occurred in a ghastly car accident on his way to Katsina from Kano. He is remembered as the ‘man of sacrifice in the industry’.
Another great shock that occurred was the death of the legendary director, Tijjani Ibrahim. Besides coaching most of the star actors, Ibrahim is known to be the brain behind today’s Kannywood that gave him the opportunity to become so popular. Despite the fact that he never appeared in any movie, he maintained a cordial relationship with his colleagues, given his good manner of interaction.
His sudden death occurred as a result of a heart injury. History will never forget this supportive pillar of the Hausa movie industry.
U.S.A. Galadima, a veteran movie director of international recognition, was also a big loss to the industry. He groomed so many people during his time. His sudden death occurred in yet another car accident. He perished at the time when he the industry needed him most. He was one of the professional practitioners in the Hausa film industry’.
Another death which shocked the world of Kannywood was that of star-actress Balaraba Muhammad Kaduna, who also died in her peak. She died on her way to Kano from Kaduna, also in a car accident. She died with a smile on her lips, as she was on her way back from her wedding ceremony.
Balaraba passed away a few hours after her wedding Fatiha, after she married star actor, Shu’aibu Lawan (popularly known as ‘Kumurci’). Her amiable interaction with fans made her the most popular product produced by Kannywood. She was the cool type, and whenever she felt offended, Balaraba would exercise patience. She will forever be remembered as a ‘person with respect for all’.
Memories of Aisha Musa Kaduna (popularly known as ‘Shamsiyya), will forever be fresh in Kannywood and in the minds of fans of the Hausa movie industry. Her death came as a result of prolonged labour, two years after she married ex-national football player, Ali Nayara. Shamsiyya brought a lot of innovation into the industry. Mostly known for her humane and cordial relationship, she carried her fans and colleagues along. People admired her style of acting. She was considered as ‘one of the most productive actresses in Kannywood’.
Kannywood witnessed yet another death, that of one of her elders, Mallam Mustapha Muhammad, popularly known as ‘Malam Mamman’ or ‘Danhaki’. His tremendous support to the industry will never be forgotten. Despite his old age, he never turned down an invitation when called upon to perform. He will be remembered for his hard-work and dedication. Kannywood indeed lost an elder statesman.
Series of other notable deaths occurred in the industry, that of Baffa Yaro (a.k.a ‘Yautai’), Umar Sabo (a.k.a. Katakore) and Shu’aibu Idris (a.k.a ‘Kulu’) which are all unforgettable. These actors worked diligently in making the industry what it is today. May their gentle and respective souls rest in perfect peace.
In addition, the sudden death of Ahmed S. Nuhu seemingly became new to the industry on the basis of some facts. Nuhu gave up the ghost at his prime. He was the only actor with the ability to play any role given to him. Whenever Ahmed was criticised, he will simply smile and say: “I consider all those criticisms as challenges. Criticisms are to correct my mistakes.
He was among the few actors who maintained their marriage till the end of their lives. On the day he died, before he left his house, he called his lovely wife, Hafsat Shehu, and asked her to assess his mode of dressing, he was smiling and his wife gave him excellent compliments. He kept calling her on phone whenever he covered a considerable distance, until he reached Wudil town where he stopped to buy yams after which, he called to tell her that he had bought some yams for her. Those were the last words he said to his lovely wife before he departed this world. No doubt, it will take Kannywood a long time to fill this vacuum.
What they KANNYWOOD Stars say about him
•Yakubu Mohammed (Lyricist and playback singer): “It is going to be difficult to get a subtitute for Ahmed S. Nuhu in Kannywood. We have lost a dear friend and colleague. May Allah (S) grant him Aljannat-Firdausi and give his family the fortitude to bear the loss.
•Adam A. Zango a.k.a ‘Usher’ (Actor): His death came to me as a shock. We were supposed to go the Republic of Niger together for a performance on sallah day, but he declined saying that he had already promised his fans in Maiduguri that he will be there to celebrate sallah with them. Ahmed was indeed more than a friend, he was my brother. May his soul rest in peace.
•Abubakar Yusuf Ladan (Actor and Radio Presenter): ‘We are indeed from Allah and unto Him our final journeying’, Ahmed is gone but his memories will be with us till the end of time. I cherish the lifestyle of this young man, he was a model, a great actor with talents, I advice the up coming actors to emulate him. May Allah (S) shower his blessings on him and give his family, relations and friends the strength and fortitude to bear the loss. May his soul rest in peace.”
•Abubakar Araba (Close associate): Ahmed will forever be remembered in the industry. We love him because of his kindness and sense of humour. May his soul rest in perfect peace, amin.
•Rashida Bello (Actress): Ahmed was a very obedient young man, he respected us as mothers in the industry. Ahmed used to always come to me, especially if we are on set and it is too late for me to get a taxi back home, and say, ‘Mama, don’t worry, I will take you home in my car.” May his gentle soul rest in peace, amen.
•Zaharaddin Sani Husaini (Actor): I envy Ahmed’s lifestyle because of his practical intelligence and sense of understanding. He was a brother and friend to all. We will surely miss him, but he will forever remain blessed. We pray to Allah the Almighty to grant him Aljannatul-firdausi and also give his family the fortitute to bear the loss.
•Ismail Koli (Actor, Producer): Ahmed was truthful. No one complained that he was dishonest. He was my mentor, may his soul rest in perfect peace.
•Shamsiyya Habib, a.k.a. Kansakali (Actress): Ahmed gave me his support like a blood brother. He was one of the pillars behind my success in the industry. I pray to Allah (S) to grant him eternal bliss and give his wife, Hafsat Shehu, resilience to bear the loss.
•Abubakar Yarima (Lyricist and Play back singer): I was shocked when I heard the sad news of his death. I classify Ahmed S. Nuhu as one of the pillars of the industry, I pray to Allah (S) to give us his substitute and may Allah, the Almighty, grant him aljannat.
•Abdullahi Tasiri (Actor): May his soul rest in peace. Ahmed was indeed a friend in need. I always remember his kindness and love for all. May Allah grant us the fortitude to bear the loss.”
•Saminu Mohammed Mahmood (director): I advice all his friends, relatives and fans to continue praying for him. Ahmed is somebody we cannot forget easily. May his soul rest in peace.”
•Yakubu Lere (Producer): Ahmed lived a simple life, he respected elders and even his colleagues. We had a misunderstanding between us, but shortly before his death, we resolved it amicably. He was the simple type. I had arranged to have an exclusive interview with him to be published in my monthly Gidauniya magazine, he had even submitted his pictures to me, but as we all know, we propose, God disposes at will. So I will use this opportunity to advice our young actors in the industry to replicate this young man. May his soul rest in peace.
Friday, June 8, 2007
MY ARTICLES IN LEADERSHIP NEWSPAPER (ISLAMIC PERSPECTIVE)
Making Right Choice of Spouse
(Published June 1, 2007)
By Al-Amin Ciroma
Islam necessitates the presence of both the religious and the moral traits upon choosing the future partner. The Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him and his purest progeny) once said: "If the religious and the moral qualities exist in the proposed partner, accept the proposal, otherwise it would turn out to be a greatest corruption on earth." For more clarification, a man once consulted the Prophet(S.A.W) about the kind of the person he should get married to. The Prophet (S.A.W) advised: "The religious one."
Going deep into the word "religious", we could understand that the mind, the heart, and the body are inclusive. A religious or a pious person is known for his commitment to his religious duties within himself and with others as well. A pious person who is faithful and obedient to Allah knows and respects his limits and the limits of others. Thus, the presence of the religious element guarantees the success and the healthiness of a marriage life.
In addition, Islam focuses on the presence of the moral side in the process of choice to a partner. The moral side is so essential in that it enriches the spiritual one. The presence of both the moral and the spiritual empowers the relation and strengthens it against any shaking trouble. These two elements help in the compatibility of the partners yet they become more faithful, more honest, and more merciful to each other. Islam concentrates on and highlights the importance of the presence of the moral side for the moral side for the success of any human relation not only the marriage-relation.
The Prophet (S.A.W) said: "I have been commissioned to perfect the best of morals."
This piece is intended to contribute to bring to an end the ever-mounting tide of divorces among Muslims. It is not unusual today to find Muslim brothers or sisters who, by the time they are 30 or 35, have been married three or four times, their children suffering again and again through the trauma of fatherless and broken homes. Accordingly, we may list a few essential points to be considered by both brothers and sisters in the process of choosing a partner in life (although the masculine pronoun has been used throughout for the sake of simplicity, the following is generally equally applicable to both men and women):
1. Du’a.
Unceasingly ask help and guidance from Allah, the Most High, in the matter of finding and choosing a mate. As often as you feel it necessary pray Salaat al-Istikhara, Islam’s special prayer for guidance, in order to reach a suitable decision.
2. Consult your heart.
Listen to what your inner voice, the ‘radar’ which Allah (SWT) has given you to guide you, tells you about the prospective partner. It is likely to be more correct than your mind, which often plays tricks and can rationalise almost any-thing. For many people, first impressions are often the most accurate.
3. Enquire.
Find out the reason why this man wants to marry you. Is he interested in you as an individual or will just any person do? Why is he not doing the logical thing, that is, to marry someone from his culture?
4. Get to know your prospective partner, within the limits of what is permissible in Islam, before deciding on marriage.
Just ‘seeing’ someone once or twice in the company of others, who may be anxious for this marriage to take place, is simply not enough under today’s conditions, where two persons of totally dis-similar backgrounds are meeting each other without the safeguards of families. Without violating Islam’s prohibition about being alone, try to understand his nature, what makes him tick, his temperament, what he might be like to live with.
5. Talk to several people who know your prospective partner, not just one, or have someone whom you can trust do this for you.
Ask about him or her from various people, not just from his friends because they may conceal facts to do him a favour. And ask not only about his background, career, moral behaviours, but about such crucial matters as whether he or she gets angry easily; what he or she does when ‘mad’; whether he is patient, polite, considerate; how he or she gets along with people; how he relates to the opposite sex; what sort of relationship he or she has with his mother and father; whether he is fond of children; what his personal habits are, etc. And in case of women, she should find out about his plans for the future from people who know him. Do they coincide with what he has told you? Go into as much detail as possible. Check out his plans for the future - where you will live and what your lifestyle will be, his attitudes towards money and possessions and the like. If you can’t get answers to such crucial questions from people who know him, ask him yourself and try to make sure he is not just saying what he knows you want to hear. Too many people will make all kinds of promises before marriages in order to secure the partner they want but afterwards forget that they ever made them, (this also naturally applies equally to women as to men).
6. Find out about his or her family, his or her relations with parents, brothers and sisters.
What will his obligations be to them in the future? How will this affect where and under what conditions you will live? What are the character and temperament of each of his parents? Will they live with you or you with them? And are they pleased with his prospective marriage to you or not?
7. Understand each other’s expectations.
Try to get a sense of your prospective partner’s understanding of the marriage relationship, how he will behave in various situations, and what he wants of you as his spouse. These are issues which should be discussed clearly and unambiguously as the negotiations progress, not left to become sources of disharmony after the marriage because they were never brought up beforehand. If you are too shy to ask certain questions, have a person you trust do it for you. At an advanced stage of the negotiations, such a discussion should include such matters as birth control, when children are to be expected, how they are to be raised, how he feels about helping with housework and with the children’s upbringing, whether or not you may go to school or work, relations with his family and yours, and other vital issues.
8. See him or her interacting with others in various situations.
The more varied conditions under which you are able to observe your prospective partner, the more clues you will have as to his mode of dealing with people and circumstances.
9. Find out what his or her understanding of Islam is and whether it is compatible with your own.
This is a very important matter (for women). Is he expecting you to do many things which you have not done up to this point? If he emphasises " Haraams", especially if you are a newly converted Muslim, and seems unable to tolerate your viewpoint, chances are your marriage will be in trouble unless you are flexible enough to accommodate yourself to his point of view and possibly a very restrictive lifestyle. Let him spell out to you clearly how he intends to practise Islam and how he wants you to practise it as his wife so there will be no misunderstandings later.
10. Don’t be in a hurry.
So many marriages have broken because the partners are in such haste that they don’t take time to make such vital checks as the ones outlined above and rush into things. Shocking as it may seem, marriages between Muslims which are contracted and then broken within a week or a month or a year have become common place occurrences among us. Don’t add yourself to the list of marriage casualties because you couldn’t take time or were too desperate for marriage to find out about or get to know the person with whom you plan to spend the rest of your life.
11. Ask yourself, Do I want this man/woman to be the father/mother of my children?
If it doesn’t feel just right to you, think it over again. Remember, marriage is not just for today or tomorrow but for life, and for the primary purpose of building a family. If the person in question doesn’t seem like the sort who would make a good parent, you are likely to find yourself struggling to raise your children without any help from him or her - or even with negative input - in the future.
12. Never allow yourself to be pressured or talked into a marriage.
Your heart must feel good about it, not someone else’s. Again, allegations of "Islamicity" - he is pious, has a beard, frequents the Masjid, knows about Islam; she wears Hijab, does not talk to men- are not necessarily guarantees of a good partner for you or of a good marriage, but are only a part of a total picture. If an individual practises the Sunnah only in relation to worship or externals, chances are he /she has not really understood and is not really living Islam. Possessing the affection and Rahmah (mercy) which Islam enjoins between marriage partners is vital for a successful relationship, and these are the important traits to be looked for in a prospective partner.
13. Never consent to engaging in a marriage for a fixed period or in exchange for a sum of money (Mut’a marriage).
Such marriages are expressly forbidden in Islam and entering into them is a sinful act,as marriage must be entered into with a clear intention of it being permanent, for life, not for a limited and fixed duration.
If these guidelines are followed, Insha’ Allah the chances of making a mistake which may mar the remainder of your life may be minimised. Choosing a marriage partner is a most serious matter,perhaps the most serious decision you will ever make in your life since your partner can cause you either to be successful or to fail miserably, in the tests of this life and, consequently, in the Hereafter. This decision needs to be made with utmost care and caution, repeatedly seeking guidance from your Lord.
If everything checks out favourable, well and good, best wishes for happiness together here and in the Hereafter. If not, better drop the matter and wait. Allah your Lord knows all about you, His servant, and has planned your destiny and your partner for you. Be sure that He will bring you together when the time is right. As the Qur’an enjoins, you must be patient until He opens a way for you, and for your part you should actively explore various marriage leads and possibilities.
Two words addressed to brothers are in order here. If you are marrying or have married a recent convert to Islam, you must be very patient and supportive with her. Remember, Islam is new to her, and chances are that she will not be able to take on the whole of the Shari’ah at once - nor does Islam require this, if you look at the history of early Islam. In your wife ‘s efforts to conform herself to her new faith and culture, she needs time and a great deal of support, love, help and understanding from you, free of interference from outsiders. It is best to let her make changes at her own speed when her inner being is ready for them rather than demanding that she do this or that, even if it means that some time will elapse before she is ready to follow certain Islamic injunctions. If the changes come from within herself, they are likely to be sincere and permanent; otherwise, if she makes changes because of pressure from you or from others, she may always be unhappy with the situation and may look for ways out of it. You can help her by being consistent in your own behaviour. So many Muslims apply those parts of the Qur’an or Sunnah which suit them and abandon the rest, with resulting confusion in the minds of their wives and children. Thus, while firmly keeping the reins in your hands, you should look at your own faults, not hers, and be proud and happy with the efforts she is making. Make allowances, be considerate, and show your appreciation of the difficult task she is carrying out by every possible means. This will cause her to love and respect you, your culture, and Islam to grow infinitely faster than a harsh, dominating, forceful approach ever could.
Finally, a word of warning. Certain situations have occurred in which women, posing as Muslims (or perhaps actually having made Shahaadah), have deceived and made fools of numbers of Muslim men. Such women may be extremely cunning and devious, operating as poor, lonely individuals in need of help and/or husbands. The brothers who fall into this net may be shown false photos, given false information or promises, cheated in all sorts of ways, and finally robbed of anything the conniving lady can manage to take from them. As was said, it is wise to check out any prospective partner with local Muslims who know her.
Keep your eyes open and take your time. Since marriage is for life, for eternity, hurrying into it for any reason whatsoever is the act of a foolish or careless person who has only himself or herself to blame if things go wrong.
Making Right Choice of Spouse
(Published June 1, 2007)
By Al-Amin Ciroma
Islam necessitates the presence of both the religious and the moral traits upon choosing the future partner. The Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him and his purest progeny) once said: "If the religious and the moral qualities exist in the proposed partner, accept the proposal, otherwise it would turn out to be a greatest corruption on earth." For more clarification, a man once consulted the Prophet(S.A.W) about the kind of the person he should get married to. The Prophet (S.A.W) advised: "The religious one."
Going deep into the word "religious", we could understand that the mind, the heart, and the body are inclusive. A religious or a pious person is known for his commitment to his religious duties within himself and with others as well. A pious person who is faithful and obedient to Allah knows and respects his limits and the limits of others. Thus, the presence of the religious element guarantees the success and the healthiness of a marriage life.
In addition, Islam focuses on the presence of the moral side in the process of choice to a partner. The moral side is so essential in that it enriches the spiritual one. The presence of both the moral and the spiritual empowers the relation and strengthens it against any shaking trouble. These two elements help in the compatibility of the partners yet they become more faithful, more honest, and more merciful to each other. Islam concentrates on and highlights the importance of the presence of the moral side for the moral side for the success of any human relation not only the marriage-relation.
The Prophet (S.A.W) said: "I have been commissioned to perfect the best of morals."
This piece is intended to contribute to bring to an end the ever-mounting tide of divorces among Muslims. It is not unusual today to find Muslim brothers or sisters who, by the time they are 30 or 35, have been married three or four times, their children suffering again and again through the trauma of fatherless and broken homes. Accordingly, we may list a few essential points to be considered by both brothers and sisters in the process of choosing a partner in life (although the masculine pronoun has been used throughout for the sake of simplicity, the following is generally equally applicable to both men and women):
1. Du’a.
Unceasingly ask help and guidance from Allah, the Most High, in the matter of finding and choosing a mate. As often as you feel it necessary pray Salaat al-Istikhara, Islam’s special prayer for guidance, in order to reach a suitable decision.
2. Consult your heart.
Listen to what your inner voice, the ‘radar’ which Allah (SWT) has given you to guide you, tells you about the prospective partner. It is likely to be more correct than your mind, which often plays tricks and can rationalise almost any-thing. For many people, first impressions are often the most accurate.
3. Enquire.
Find out the reason why this man wants to marry you. Is he interested in you as an individual or will just any person do? Why is he not doing the logical thing, that is, to marry someone from his culture?
4. Get to know your prospective partner, within the limits of what is permissible in Islam, before deciding on marriage.
Just ‘seeing’ someone once or twice in the company of others, who may be anxious for this marriage to take place, is simply not enough under today’s conditions, where two persons of totally dis-similar backgrounds are meeting each other without the safeguards of families. Without violating Islam’s prohibition about being alone, try to understand his nature, what makes him tick, his temperament, what he might be like to live with.
5. Talk to several people who know your prospective partner, not just one, or have someone whom you can trust do this for you.
Ask about him or her from various people, not just from his friends because they may conceal facts to do him a favour. And ask not only about his background, career, moral behaviours, but about such crucial matters as whether he or she gets angry easily; what he or she does when ‘mad’; whether he is patient, polite, considerate; how he or she gets along with people; how he relates to the opposite sex; what sort of relationship he or she has with his mother and father; whether he is fond of children; what his personal habits are, etc. And in case of women, she should find out about his plans for the future from people who know him. Do they coincide with what he has told you? Go into as much detail as possible. Check out his plans for the future - where you will live and what your lifestyle will be, his attitudes towards money and possessions and the like. If you can’t get answers to such crucial questions from people who know him, ask him yourself and try to make sure he is not just saying what he knows you want to hear. Too many people will make all kinds of promises before marriages in order to secure the partner they want but afterwards forget that they ever made them, (this also naturally applies equally to women as to men).
6. Find out about his or her family, his or her relations with parents, brothers and sisters.
What will his obligations be to them in the future? How will this affect where and under what conditions you will live? What are the character and temperament of each of his parents? Will they live with you or you with them? And are they pleased with his prospective marriage to you or not?
7. Understand each other’s expectations.
Try to get a sense of your prospective partner’s understanding of the marriage relationship, how he will behave in various situations, and what he wants of you as his spouse. These are issues which should be discussed clearly and unambiguously as the negotiations progress, not left to become sources of disharmony after the marriage because they were never brought up beforehand. If you are too shy to ask certain questions, have a person you trust do it for you. At an advanced stage of the negotiations, such a discussion should include such matters as birth control, when children are to be expected, how they are to be raised, how he feels about helping with housework and with the children’s upbringing, whether or not you may go to school or work, relations with his family and yours, and other vital issues.
8. See him or her interacting with others in various situations.
The more varied conditions under which you are able to observe your prospective partner, the more clues you will have as to his mode of dealing with people and circumstances.
9. Find out what his or her understanding of Islam is and whether it is compatible with your own.
This is a very important matter (for women). Is he expecting you to do many things which you have not done up to this point? If he emphasises " Haraams", especially if you are a newly converted Muslim, and seems unable to tolerate your viewpoint, chances are your marriage will be in trouble unless you are flexible enough to accommodate yourself to his point of view and possibly a very restrictive lifestyle. Let him spell out to you clearly how he intends to practise Islam and how he wants you to practise it as his wife so there will be no misunderstandings later.
10. Don’t be in a hurry.
So many marriages have broken because the partners are in such haste that they don’t take time to make such vital checks as the ones outlined above and rush into things. Shocking as it may seem, marriages between Muslims which are contracted and then broken within a week or a month or a year have become common place occurrences among us. Don’t add yourself to the list of marriage casualties because you couldn’t take time or were too desperate for marriage to find out about or get to know the person with whom you plan to spend the rest of your life.
11. Ask yourself, Do I want this man/woman to be the father/mother of my children?
If it doesn’t feel just right to you, think it over again. Remember, marriage is not just for today or tomorrow but for life, and for the primary purpose of building a family. If the person in question doesn’t seem like the sort who would make a good parent, you are likely to find yourself struggling to raise your children without any help from him or her - or even with negative input - in the future.
12. Never allow yourself to be pressured or talked into a marriage.
Your heart must feel good about it, not someone else’s. Again, allegations of "Islamicity" - he is pious, has a beard, frequents the Masjid, knows about Islam; she wears Hijab, does not talk to men- are not necessarily guarantees of a good partner for you or of a good marriage, but are only a part of a total picture. If an individual practises the Sunnah only in relation to worship or externals, chances are he /she has not really understood and is not really living Islam. Possessing the affection and Rahmah (mercy) which Islam enjoins between marriage partners is vital for a successful relationship, and these are the important traits to be looked for in a prospective partner.
13. Never consent to engaging in a marriage for a fixed period or in exchange for a sum of money (Mut’a marriage).
Such marriages are expressly forbidden in Islam and entering into them is a sinful act,as marriage must be entered into with a clear intention of it being permanent, for life, not for a limited and fixed duration.
If these guidelines are followed, Insha’ Allah the chances of making a mistake which may mar the remainder of your life may be minimised. Choosing a marriage partner is a most serious matter,perhaps the most serious decision you will ever make in your life since your partner can cause you either to be successful or to fail miserably, in the tests of this life and, consequently, in the Hereafter. This decision needs to be made with utmost care and caution, repeatedly seeking guidance from your Lord.
If everything checks out favourable, well and good, best wishes for happiness together here and in the Hereafter. If not, better drop the matter and wait. Allah your Lord knows all about you, His servant, and has planned your destiny and your partner for you. Be sure that He will bring you together when the time is right. As the Qur’an enjoins, you must be patient until He opens a way for you, and for your part you should actively explore various marriage leads and possibilities.
Two words addressed to brothers are in order here. If you are marrying or have married a recent convert to Islam, you must be very patient and supportive with her. Remember, Islam is new to her, and chances are that she will not be able to take on the whole of the Shari’ah at once - nor does Islam require this, if you look at the history of early Islam. In your wife ‘s efforts to conform herself to her new faith and culture, she needs time and a great deal of support, love, help and understanding from you, free of interference from outsiders. It is best to let her make changes at her own speed when her inner being is ready for them rather than demanding that she do this or that, even if it means that some time will elapse before she is ready to follow certain Islamic injunctions. If the changes come from within herself, they are likely to be sincere and permanent; otherwise, if she makes changes because of pressure from you or from others, she may always be unhappy with the situation and may look for ways out of it. You can help her by being consistent in your own behaviour. So many Muslims apply those parts of the Qur’an or Sunnah which suit them and abandon the rest, with resulting confusion in the minds of their wives and children. Thus, while firmly keeping the reins in your hands, you should look at your own faults, not hers, and be proud and happy with the efforts she is making. Make allowances, be considerate, and show your appreciation of the difficult task she is carrying out by every possible means. This will cause her to love and respect you, your culture, and Islam to grow infinitely faster than a harsh, dominating, forceful approach ever could.
Finally, a word of warning. Certain situations have occurred in which women, posing as Muslims (or perhaps actually having made Shahaadah), have deceived and made fools of numbers of Muslim men. Such women may be extremely cunning and devious, operating as poor, lonely individuals in need of help and/or husbands. The brothers who fall into this net may be shown false photos, given false information or promises, cheated in all sorts of ways, and finally robbed of anything the conniving lady can manage to take from them. As was said, it is wise to check out any prospective partner with local Muslims who know her.
Keep your eyes open and take your time. Since marriage is for life, for eternity, hurrying into it for any reason whatsoever is the act of a foolish or careless person who has only himself or herself to blame if things go wrong.
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